As most of you know I've been on a spiritual journey the last few months & I'm proud to say Jesus has been doing major formation inside me! I've been a believer my entire life but I've lived a life of pleasing only myself & the eyes of the world! At the time I thought I was having the times of my life! But, little did I know I was digging holes that would take years to refill! Like so many I felt 'unworthy' of God's grace. I knew the things I was doing wasn't pleasing to God but they were to me & that was all I cared about! I didn't deserve God's forgiveness. And at times when I'd be ready to accept his forgiveness I wasn't ready to give up all the things I was doing! Why would God wanna take all the things away that made me happy!?
»»This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome,«« ~ 1 John 5:3~
God started showing me how much I needed him:
In September 2009 I had a miscarriage. I struggled with the actual passing of my baby at home by myself, not that no-one wanted to be there, but because I felt I had done this & I needed to grieve alone, & I did. It was like watching an unborn baby die..I felt like I was cursed with this experience because I'd considered abortions in the past. And who knows maybe I was.
»»Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. «« ~Hebrews 4:13~
In the same month, actually a week later when I returned to work I was let go. Never in 10 years had I been let go from employment. I hit rock bottom! I was able to find another job, but with a huge pay decrease, 3 weeks later!
In November 2009 I started experiencing panic like attacks. After having 2 back to back, my mom took me to the ER. Their I was diagnosed with a heart condition called Wolff Parkinson's White Syndrome. It's basically an extra value(hole) in my heart which cause signals to get tangled up & in turn makes my heart beat extremely fast. The trouble with this condition is possible passing out, heaven forbid, at the wheel of a vehicle or a heart attack. I've undergone 2 surgeries. One here in December of 09 & another in Charleston with a heart specialist June of 2010. Neither surgery was successful.
In May 2010 I was let go at the other job.
»»"A stone that causes men to stumble and a rock that makes them fall." They stumble because they disobey the message-which is also what they were destined for.«« ~ 1 Peter 2:8
There are other things that have occurred with my family as well. Looking back at all of this I thank God because had I not experienced all of this who knows where I'd still be!
»» Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that sufferings produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. «« ~Romans 5:3-5~
With a new year 2011 approaching I thought to myself, 'I'm tired, my life has to change'. I brought the New Year in with Redemption World Outreach Center, my baby girl & mom at the Bilo Center Praising our precious heavenly Father! Then started attending church again regularly. On January 23rd I rededicated & surrendered my entire life to God! I threw ALL the trash out & have started studying daily, God's word, & trying to live the way he designed us to! I'm far far far from where I want or need to be but each day I get stronger! Situations happen almost daily that I do not react Christ like to, but thru the power of prayer & the countless forgiveness that God gives I'm getting there!
»»If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. «« ~ 1 John 1:9~
I've felt more at peace & happy these few months than I have my entire life & I can truthfully say I look back on the days when I was too selfish to give my ways up & I feel disgusted with myself!
»» Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.«« ~1 John 2:15~
God wanted this for me my whole life & I kept putting him out to fulfill what I 'thought' made me happy when in all reality it scarred me to a degree! But Praise Be To God that by his saving grace I have been redeemed & REMADE !! :D
~~Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! •2 Corinthians 5:17
Kerri Motes 3|25|2011
~~God Is Love~~
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